Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
