Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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