here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
