My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
