I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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