she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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