Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
