I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
