I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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