Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
