He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
