I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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