I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My penis needs a shock collar
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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