when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
