His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
