the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
