Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
