i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
