Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
