You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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