i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
this is an emotional support booty call
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
