I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
