she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
