I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
