The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
