The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
