Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
