i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
