Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
