the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
