Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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