Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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