Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
