just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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