Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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