Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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