There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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