I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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