when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
