I would go down on you faster than GM stock
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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