I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
