I wish my penis had an off switch
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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