Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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