and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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