but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
