Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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