It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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