My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
