genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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