it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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