omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
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