Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You made out with two different species that night
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
