OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
