you guys were way drunker than both of me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
