I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
He kissed a someone with a penis
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
