remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
