she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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