my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
